I used to build up a whole year's worth of posts into a culmination of a yearly message, observation, and wish for the coming year. Usually it revolved around religion as well. Well, this year is no different, except for the year's worth of posts. Heh.

Ah well. Maybe that will be one of my resolutions. Maybe.

So, 2006 is nearly gone, and, well, not a moment too soon as far as I am concerned. The year of broken, it feels like at the moment, and I have lots of evidence to back it up. While I tend to be a cynical optimist, I am starting to think that pessimism has the upper hand these days.

So, in no particular order, is the things wrong with the world.

Me.
Oil Depletion.
Wars.
Wars. In the name of god.
Drugs.
Drug laws.
Same Sex Marriage as an "issue", or as anyone else's business at all.
President Bush. See most of the above, except for "Me".
Sleepwalking. The whole system is contrived to make us do it as much as possible.
Pain. Lots of pain. There is an abundance of it in the world. More than ever.
Relationships. Odd since this one was on the "great" list each year for the last few. Not sure where the aberration is yet, but I am afraid.
Fear. Hate it. Personal and public. Hate living it and hate that it works too well.
Overpopulation. Maybe. Some people think not. Odd that one.
Hypocracy. This is perennial, but never really changes either.
Bad music.
Cell phones.
Work. Too much.
The Rat Race.
Climbers. The social variety.
Selfishness. Not 100% since I am resolving to have more of this next year. Seems wrong though.
Shoes.
Snow.
Not snowshoes though. Those are useful where they are needed.
Me.

The list starts and ends with me quite on purpose. I am still loony. I try to control it, revel in it, or change it, but the bottom line is that I am just as erratic as ever. It will show itself in different ways, but it is still there. Obsessive from one thing to the next, or to nothing at all, internalized or out in the open, something is always buzzing. Hard time this night since it's internal and it hurts like hell. I hate this time of year anyway, and this year is worse than the last few. Like I said, year of the broken. Am I the broken one? Feels that way. I suppose a broken world requires all of us to be a little fucked up, and I am working on bringing up the average for my part.

I think the world needs more generosity. The problem is, selflessness gets you a broken heart and empty bed in the end, so there is a huge problem with balance. While there are those who would disagree with me, I have poured myself into something that is not what it seemed, and suddenly I am trapped and ridiculed by my own inner voice. Confessional? Who me? This is all internal, remember? Outside I am calm, cool, collected, and about to start drinking. Heavily, maybe.

I quit smoking. Nine months ago now. It's never been this long for me, and I haven't touched it once since I stopped. I am thinking I should start again. Just, you know, something to do. I've needed something to do with my hands for too long. Everything lately hasn't been helping me, or anyone else, at all. Arghh. Worth the cancer risk in hindsight, I think. The happiness I have pretended it has brought me isn't doing the trick anymore. Give me smoke and give me death. Heh.

The hapiness that is slipping through my fingers, on the other hand, was very real. Funny how you can talk about it so matter-of-factly, but it still hurts like a motherfucker. Glass one of wine. If the spelling gets worse you know I can't hold it. I don't know exactly where it went. I can't even point to a single place. A lot of little ones, maybe, but even then it doesn't make complete sense. Maybe it never can. Maybe that's the point.

Anyway. X-mas. I don't even want to spell it out anymore, since I do want the christ out of it. It's an economic tool, an engine of growth, not a religious observance. Sure, churches everywhere will tell you otherwise, but they are simply in denial. The co-opted holiday they stole from the pagans, fair and square, has been stolen from them. Fair play sez I. Why not. I suppose when something is stolen that was stolen to begin with you should simply shrug and go with it. That's the darwinian reality, is it not?

Glass two of wine.

I don't need to go into details about the list above, though. Iraq is broken, the US is broken, China is broken and the dollar is broken. Closer to home, everything feels broken too. Home, work, all of it. Broken. I want it fixed, but I don't know about this one. I am a fixer, but even this has been placed on me more as a dare than a challenge. I know better, but I'll probably try anyway. Erratic loony, after all.

I hope the 2007 you live is every bit the one I hope for for myself. Selfish, yes, but I told you about generosity already. Happy solstice.