Well...

Loony started a long time ago before the blogging craze was a defacto standard. We were figuring out what the world would look like in the new media age. I had a lot to say and too much energy to do with myself, so I poured it into this.

Then she came along.

Her name is Amber and she taught me was love was. What it could be. It's hard to describe but that's what happened to me. I was leveled, in a very good way, with what happened to me for her.

She lived in California, I lived in New Jersey. I spent a lot of time in planes. Heh.

Then we lived together. For 5 years. I helped move her here and life went along.

Something happened.

I am still not sure how, lots of little errors and some big ones. Communication misses and missed opportunties. It's hard to deconstruct although I try for lessons to learn.

Something happened. I am not going to air it out but we lost each other. I lost my mind. That's the hardest thing of all for someone who prides himself on having exactly that.

I lost her. I chased her away, and I didn't even mean to even though I acted like I did.

I wanted her to fight me back, even when I was convinced myself that I didn't. I did.

I finally believed her. Yesterday. Today. And it's been a long time since I did for real.

And it doesn't matter anymore. I can't tell her that. I lost her. She walked out of my life.

I am crying more than I have today in the past 15 years.

I'm sorry Amber. I believe you. I'm sorry that came too late.

Please come back to me someday.

She is the most amazing person I've met, and I've chased her away. Why do we do that to ourselves?

You were right about a lot of things. I was wrong, and I couldn't tell myself I was still hurt.

Loony was a tribute to her. I don't know what it will be now, what it has been.

We'll see. It may not be anything at all.