Cold, windy and raining today. Very windy. Very raining.

It's the kind of wind where you see it moving the water in the toilet. Yes, I do know why that happens, but I still think it's just weird.

I really was kidding about the weather being all that would be written here, and now, watch, you are going to discover that that's all this is going to be about. However, as it turns out, the weather really does suck today. I had to turn on the heat...something that I did once a couple of weeks ago as a novelty, but this time it was actually because it's too cold. Ugh. I hate giving in like that. It's an admission that the warm weather is gone.

Of course, it'll probably be 95 again next week. Just to make sure everyone gets sick one last time this year.

The weather actually does have a lot more relevance in my life now, and I mean beyond the typical "will I get wet or freeze outside today?" way. If you were to take a rope about 1500 feet long, tie one end of it to my front door, and walk north, you'd piss off everyone for 3 blocks. You'd also hit the water before you ran out of rope. I'm not much farther from the water to the east either.

My place is about 15 feet above sea level, although if you factor in that I am on the second floor, maybe that's more like 25. Regardless, nor'easters are suddenly exciting in the "I wonder if my car will be there tomorrow" sort of way. Not that I am complaining...I love this town. It's small and near the water and eclectic. It isn't a bad place to be, provided it remains a place above high tide.

It's supposed to be nice later this week though. I'd better come up with something else to write about by then.

Of course, some form of rampant stupidity is bound to cross my path.

I found myself sitting in the car wearing the typical khaki/polo business casual uniform, sitting in traffic, returning from another meeting/pitch/pat-ourselves-on-the-back kind of session. I am wearing my leather jacket, and the A/C is on, I am sweating, my skin is still tan, and my hands are cold.

The climatological intricacies required for this particular arrangement are rather specific, and can only happen in the early fall or early spring.

When I woke up it was 52 degrees, too cold to brave the outdoors without a jacket of some sort...especially after such a hot summer.

However after the sun came out and warmed it up to a balmy 64 degrees, it was evident that being surrounded by glass and processing 4 cups of coffee while clad in cow hide was screwing with my thermostat. I wasn't in the mood to wiggle out of the coat while negotiating the stop-and-go gauntlet of the road, especially with a stick shift, and the open windows weren't counteracting the thermal conversion rate of sun-through-glass-to-heat, so I tolerate the silliness until I reach my destination.

Not that this is the most significant thing that has happened in the past month, but it's something I can talk about.

The weather. Lovely.

When I started this thing, way back when, it was an effort to reconnect with myself...to find those parts of my supressed being that were begging to come out and grab center stage again. After managing that, fairly sucessfully, I find I am in a rather ironic position. Because of this effort, or perhaps in spite of it, I am not really able to talk about too much about what's going on in my life, or in my head.

No, I am not pleased by it. It's draining.

The marginal success and attention LOONY.ORG has received means people who would use this information against me are also reading it, and as long as that situation persists I am bound to heavily censor myself when discussing certain matters, and that wasn't really what I wanted to do.

But I will. The only comfort I can find in this is that I have to censor myself in the "real world" too, so perhaps it will be a reflection of that.

Or perhaps there will be a lot more talk about the weather. I can hear your excitement from here.

Other things I won't get too much into other than to mention (for those keeping score at home):

The house is gone. Well, no, it's still there, but someone else owns it now. I am slightly bummed and supremely relieved all at once.

Brigid is doing as fine as can be.

I have an apartment, and am trying to get it clean. It's been a while since I've managed the clutter quotient of a space by myself, and it seems that the interim vacation from said management hasn't changed my abilities in that regard too much.

Work is sporadic, mostly because of various economic factors, like one certain section of a major city that suddenly went missing, but that should only be temporary.

I'm not afraid of very much, although I have moments where I wonder what the hell happened to the world.

I am feeling pretty good most of the time.

If you're one of the remaining three people who still come here...thanks for the loyalty, or get a life...I'm not sure which ;-)

At least a few search engines will likely read this one.

Small Moves

The terrorists wanted to strike at the heart of America. I think they vastly underestimated what they would find there.

No, it still hasn't sunk in. I haven't gone to see it up close. I refuse to listen to the personal stories of luck or tragedy. I don't want to know. Numbers, the state of the remaining buildings, and the latest transit situation is all I can deal with right now.

I have managed to get supremely bummed that I'll never get back to Windows on the World. That's all that is processing at the moment.

One Liberty Plaza is about to fall down. That building housed the beginning of my illustrious Wall St. career. I've spent time in 1, 2, 5, and 7 World trade, as well as 3 World Financial, which is also in danger of coming down. So is the Millenium hotel (or however it's spelled, it *is* spelled wrong). I've been there a few times too.

It's getting harder not to take this personally.

I'm beginning to think that it's a twisted version of dominoes, taking weeks to unfold.

Of course, after all of those, the next building that has to go (to affect me) is on 23rd St. That should take months. (If you know NYC, you should be laughing now)

A couple of little events do feel good, considering the circumstances. The details of the revolt on the plane in Pittsburgh is one. Watching traditional US enemy states trip all over each other to offer aid to us is another. Seeing people be good to one another for a change is a third.

I know it's only temporary.

Some time between 30 seconds from now and next year I will completely lose it. I don't know when that is, but it is bound to happen. I don't do the blubbering mess thing well, so when it does happen, it won't be pretty.

Most of the people alive in the world today have never seen a truly pissed off USA, myself included. We have seen an annoyed USA, a frustrated USA, even a ticked off USA. The large hammer that congress has talked about feels good at the moment, and I am inclined to make all the problems look like nails.

Violence may beget violence, however, as Howard Stern pointed out (and I never listen to him...it was one of those chance statements I heard), Japan was never violent again after WWII. Extreme violence can put certain institutions back in their place. Or worse.

That may not work in this case, but we are about to find out.

I want to feel bad for liking that fact. I want to be more logical and less pissed off.

It's not working. I don't care.

I want to see something blown up. I want to know we did it.

This isn't a debate, it's a statement of fact:

I want revenge.

Other little details: the first non-fighter jet flew overhead today. It appeared to be a 727. I was more scared by that sound than any of the prior F-16's screaming by.

I haven't heard any sirens tonight. I don't know that I can sleep with all the quiet.

I don't know that I want to.

The infighting comes next. The cheesy tribute remixes and the commemmorative plates on QVC. The mouring period will end and the chance to cash in will be too great for some. The arguments over the appropriate courses of action and the staggering impact of the cost of it all. For now, though, we are still basically united.

And pissed off.

What can I say?

Like a lot of people around here, the planes hitting the towers was one thing, the collapse refocused everything again.

That last post was written before the collapse.

I have gone to see it with my own eyes. I know people who worked there.

Two weeks in either direction I could have easily been there myself, although on the lower floors. Small consolation I suppose, but I'll take what I can get right now.

I have forced myself to watch the video over and over again. It's still on now. They're gone. It's not computing. They're fucking gone.

I think everyone I know got out, although the phones are still locked up solid. My new town I've moved to, with a distant view of the city, is receiving some victims by ferry. The sound of sirens has subsided this late, although I suspect it will go all night.

I listen to the media frenzy, trying to make it all sink in. The events of today, and the call for justice which is really a demand for vengeance. I can't say that I am all that interested in justice myself at the moment. I can only hope any retribution gets applied to the right people.

I should feel relieved. I left a life that would have centered me in the middle of the hell today. I should feel lucky that, so far, everyone I know is likely to be safe. I should feel lucky that this only glanced my life...but it's gutted my psyche right now, and I am wavering between denial and rage.

I want to believe that it's over too.

So I'm pouring another screwdriver, trying to make sense of it all, which I know won't happen. I will fall asleep, again, jolted awake by another nightmare, again, and wake up tomorrow in a temporary bliss that it was all a bad dream. I will go outside and see the plume of smoke filling the horizon, centered from where the tiny towers were visible yesterday.

Yes, I am OK.

No, I'm not.

I had all kinds of things to say about sharks and the legal system and various things in the world, but none of them seem important anymore.

And I thought that just the traffic was annoying today.

Perhaps it's just a sign that I really needed to get off my ass and come back to this. Heh.