I was told over and over again that being a parent changes your view of the world. What I didn't realize was that is because everything looks different on next to no sleep.
Of course, that's not entirely true, either. I'll have a lot of time to sleep once I get back to work.
One of the perks of this whole deal is the ability to use the same "for the children" rhetoric that everyone else uses to get their way...especially when they are on shaky argumentative grounds: "Save the tree moss...not for me, do it for the children."
But it's really not so hard, this parenting thing...at least, I think I was given a good example to follow. The Government has been taking good care of me for years.
Don't smoke...or, at least, not until you're old enough. Don't worry...we'll tell you when that is. Don't drink, either, until we say you can. Oops, 18 isn't old enough for that anymore...make it 21. By the way, those things are bad for you, did you know?
Drugs are all bad...even the ones that used to be OK. We have newer ones now that are bad in different ways. Keep away from Cocaine, but be sure to take your Ritalin. Relax, we're on top of all of this.
Wear a helmet. And your seatbelt. Use a car seat. Be sure you have airbags. Slow down. Watch your step. Don't intentionally concentrate and inhale contents. You could drown in a pool. Cross on the green. Don't stick a fork in the electric socket. Keep the toaster oven off of your head. Don't microwave the cat.
These people have been looking out for me for ages, and I am eternally grateful. I will dutifully pass on this knowledge to my little girl.
Of course, now there is a new scourge, responsibly pointed out by Patti...and I am left with one question: Who will head the underwear police?
I understand the beginnings of such concerns...that the bad ideas in society start "catching", like a disease. This is when the government gets involved. It becomes legislative imperative to correct these ills, and set forth an enforcing body that checks ID's for smokers, or ID's for drinkers, or issue licenses to drive, or allow girls of the appropriate age to buy a particular type of panties.
See, I am going to completely sidestep the issue of what the appropriate age for such personal adornment should be permissible. I know I will likely have to face the issue someday, and all I can tell you is that based on my own experiences, three days is too young to worry about thongs. So sometime between tomorrow and 30 years from now I will likely run across the whole thong thing, but, most importantly, *I* will run across it.
I hardly expect some 16 year old girl making $6 an hour to enforce such parental controls...I don't expect them to enforce very much discipline as baby sitters, never mind as underwear enforcers.
Plus, notes are too easily forged. Perhaps we should issue underwear licenses...complete with a test on sexuality signals, proper walking techniques and how to surreptitiously pick a wedgie (although, being unfamiliar with such issues personally, I have it on good authority that thongs actually avoid wedgies, since bunches of material can't migrate to places that they don't belong). Upon the successful completion of this test you could then go the the DTU (Department of Thong Underwear) for a photo ID and a rating on what degree of raciness was allowed: Class A - Bikinis. Class B - Basic Thong. Class C - Things with lace and hooks and detachable panels. Class D - Edible.
This all sounds well and good, but someone who could manage such enforcement of these new protocols is needed. Someone with the proper experience and personality and free time to make this new agency successful.
I think the only obvious choice is Bill Clinton. We already know he can easily identify thongs, thank you Monica, and I am sure he could easily be brought up to speed on anything he is unfamiliar with.
Then again, I suppose he knows everything he needs to already.
Of course, it could be argued that having a bunch of people running around inspecting girls panties introduces a new problem. Like anyone who really wants the job must automatically be disqualified from getting it.
Perhaps more people should start wearing thongs. It might not affect the implementation of the underwear police, but it would certainly assure that a lot fewer people would be getting their panties in a bunch.««««««««««««««»»»»»»»»»»»»»»
:::::posted by erratic :: 11-something PM EST linky