Thursday, February 21, 2002

I entertain by picking brains
Sell my soul by dropping names
I don't like those, my God, what's that
Oh it's full of nasty habits when
the bitch gets back.

The Bitch is Back - Elton John - mp3(5.3mb)

Yep, you heard it here first, she's baaaaaack.

New name, new look, better than ever...and a webcam!

Oh wait, I'm the only one who gets a link to the webcam ;-)

Well, anyway, she may be stripped down...ummm...the site, that is...stripped down...yeah...but...oh hell, just go see already, will ya?
:::::posted by erratic :: 05-something PM EST linky

Saturday, February 9, 2002

(after a minor delay for more research...grrr....part ii)

Driving in New Jersey
A primer for the uninitiated
part ii

Issue Four - Child-like Wonder

Never lose your sense of wonder at all that is around you. Be sure to examine any flora or fauna while operating your vehicle. Whenever a flashing light is present, be it law enforcement, tow truck, or turn signal, be sure to slow down and admire the sight. Any of these occurances are rare, and must be appreciated for as long as possible. As an added benefit, you are allowing those behind you to admire the sights as well, and they will thank you for it. Vocally.

Issue Five - Tolls

When you stop and think about it, modern highway systems are truly marvels of technology. You should do just that, stop and think. This is an extension of the child-like wonder. New Jersey has conveniently installed predefined points where you should pause in amazement: toll booths. There are two major highways in the Garden State that have tolls at various points. These are not only present to collect money, but to create a place where you can be truly amazed at all of the various options available to you: cash, exact change, EZ Pass, recipts or amazed every time you come across these. Pretend you have never seen such a spectacle before you, and be sure to slow down and take it all in. Displaying individuality at this point is strongly suggested, since 6 lanes open up to 18, and you only have a limited space before it compresses back to six. Use it wisely.

Special points for those who choose the appropriate toll lane and then decide it was an incorrect choice. Be sure to attempt to back up when this happens. You may not see another toll for 10 miles or more, so getting it right is important.

Issue Six - Remember how special you are

Never forget that you are special. There may be rules of conduct that apply to those others on the road, but they do not apply to you. Just because there is a line of cars waiting to exit that backs up for 6 miles does not mean you will miss the first 15 minutes of the news, simply find a gap and cut in. Alternate merging may be commonplace, but simply because the 200 cars in front of you have squeezed in one then another, does not mean you need to do the same. See "individuality".

Issue Seven - Entering and exiting

If you commute any great distance, you are unavoidably going to find yourself on some form of highway, and that means entering and exiting. The important rule to remember is the natural state of the left lane, and this is a critical time to apply it. Entering a highway should consist of breaking straight for the left lane, perpendicular to traffic if possible, and then accelerating as needed. Left lane first, speed later.

Exiting is also important, based on two previously stated factors: you are in the left lane, and you are special. Since most exits on New Jersey highways are on the right, it is critical that you time your exit maneuver properly. You can traverse a lane in roughly 1.8 seconds, so multiply the number of lanes separating you and the exit by 1.8, and be sure to add 1 for the exit itself. Leave as little time as possible before you need to dive to the exit, as only seasoned New Jersey drivers would. Gradually positioning yourself into the right lane well in advance is for complete wusses, and will be heavily frowned upon. Avoid this at all costs.

Issue Eight - Turn Signals

Turn signals....

erm....turn signals?

What are those?
:::::posted by
erratic :: 07-something PM EST linky

Monday, February 4, 2002

Driving in New Jersey
A primer for the uninitiated
part i


New Jersey is the most densely populated state in the US, with one of the more non-existant public transportation systems. The result of these two facts is the necessity to own a car (or two) and relatively little space in which to vehicularly operate.

The purpose of this guide is to help bring new participants in the daily battle called "commuting", although feel free to use the techniques and guidelines stated herein whenever you utilize our fine state's highway network. Based on many years of observation, anyone abiding the guidelines outlined below will appear as if they are a veteran of the New Jersey private transportation system.

Issue One - Speed

Traveling at the appropriate velocity is essential to blending into the crowd. There is a simple formula for calculating the acceptable speed: observe the posted speed limit, then add or subtract 20. That's it, you can choose either, but know ye well that in a 65 mile per hour zone, only 45 or 85 will be viewed as natural. Anywhere in-between, and you will instantly identify yourself as a foreigner, tourist, or otherwise non-resident undeserving of the space you occupy.

Issue Two - The Left Lane

You always want to be in the left lane, regardless of the reason. Even if you are traveling at 20 miles below the speed limit, on a 6 lane highway, at 4am, you must seek the left lane, always. Any opening in the left lane requires you to dive into it as quickly as possible, since that is the natural state of being as a NJ driver. Anyone behind you will simply have to pass on the right. They may flash their lights at you or beep their horn, all while gesticulating wildly, but do not be fooled. THey are only upset because they now have to leave the left lane, and since that is the natural state of being, they will try to intimidate you into leaving instead. If you start to feel flustered, slow down, applying your brakes liberally, until they pass, but for god's sake do NOT leave the left lane for any reason.

Issue Three - Individuality

There are many hundreds of different variations of personal transport on the road. Whether a motorcycle or semi, Beetle or Zephyr, each vehicle is as different as each driver. Reflect this in your personal style. If too many people are moving along at a healthy speed, by all means slow down! Why be a conformist in this day and age? If there is a tight pack of caravaning cars moving together, get in the middle and create a gap! Chaos is what life was borne of, and chaos is beautiful in a world overrun with order.

Some other suggestions for individual expression on the highway:

Turn off your headlights in the fog.
Turn on your foglights on a perfectly clear night.
Use your hi-beams while behind someone...especially if you are in an SUV.
Activate your hazard lights for no reason whatsoever.
Stop when you are not supposed to...or blow through when you are.

Lastly, it is generally a good idea to call up a friend on your cell-phone and describe in detail what sort of individuality you are expressing. If you can, smoke a cigarette or drink coffee while on the phone. Perform personal grooming (hair adjustment for men, makeup for women). Applying some of all of these techniques will allow you to express your individualism to those around you, who will, in turn, express theirs back. It's a symbiosis rarely found outside of exotic lichens.

(tomorrow....part attention--there will be a quiz)
:::::posted by
erratic :: 06-something PM EST linky

Coming in just a couple of hours:

Driving in New Jersey:
A Primer for the Unitiated

Be very afraid.
:::::posted by
erratic :: 03-something PM EST linky

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