I don't always sleep so well. I have mentioned this before.
At least there are interests that can keep me occupied during the long, sleepless nights.
Infomercials, of course.
Fascinating little pieces of infotainment. You learn a lot about the care and feeding of the latest silly thing to the unwashed, insomniatic masses.
There are rules to these things.
First of all, get a guy with a bad British accent. Don't ask why, it just sounds cool. People in the new world like British accents, and have no real ear for it, so bad is cheaper than legitimate. As a bonus, this accent instinctively talks down at you, so you are required to do what it tells you. Not listen to him? What, are you stupid?
Second, get a very windy woman who is orgasmically happy that the latest savior of mankind, the Potato-matic-super-rama-peeler-athon, exists. Have her squeal with delight every time the arrogant accent states the name of the item for sale.
Now that the cast is done, some important marketing tips:
It's not a gadget. It's not a thing or an item. It is a machine. It doesn't matter if you are selling a single knitting needle. Call it a machine. This is highly important, because machine sounds like it does something other than take your money, and while a gadget costs $3.95, a machine costs $60.
If there are two pieces to it, say, a pair of knitting needles, it's a system. Systems cost three times what machines cost.
Don't ever sell anything for what it costs. It's not $600.00. It's 300 easy payments of two bucks. People don't do math well late at night, and using this little loophole, you can easily ask if acquiring the machine (or system) wouldn't be worth a measly two bucks?
Oh sure, you'll screw them on it later, but hey, it's business, and it's late.
The audience is tough. You want people with the intelligence of carrots, but clean, and well dressed. The difficulty here is that people with the appropriate level of intelligence usually can't clean and/or dress themselves. So the best source of people for an audience are the former casts of Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place. They look good enough, and need the money. Oh yeah, pay the audience.
Lastly, throw a second "thing" in at the last possible moment, for 1/10th the price. Add some cleanser that didn't sell well from the last infomercial, then add a recipe book. Ignore what you are actually selling, because people like crap...lots of it. If quality were an issue they wouldn't be watching.
Oh yeah, for the tough sell, warn the viewer that they must call in the next 8 minutes to get an added bonus. Pretend that it is actually possible to monitor where the commercial airs and when, and that the viewers believe this. They will call before the eight minutes is up, even though they know it is a load of bullshit. Infomercial people don't really know why this is, but then again, they are all busy on their yachts this weekend anyway.
Of course, I just write about the stupidity...and, for free.
I think I'm in the wrong business.
But, if you come back within the next 8 minutes...I'll throw in a bottle of shampoo. No extra charge. Act now, operators are standing by.
:::::posted by erratic :: 08-something PM EST linky
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