Clue

It's a great game. How many board games have spawned both a movie and a musical? And yet, the other stars in the game universe, Monopoly comes to mind here, get remade over and over and over again for dozens of cities and places and themes.

But not Clue. We're still stuck with Colonel Mustard using a Rope in the Library. Come on now, in the year 2001, we can surely come up with some more believable characters and weapons and places on the world stage, can we not?

Lets start with the main characters:

Colonel Mustard, Professor Plum, Mr. Green. The men are a stuffy lot...certainly of the British blue-blood ilk that the global village is rapidly leaving behind. So we need a military figure, a scholarly type, and a business figure. OK, lets give that a shot:

Colon Powell, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Gates.

Mrs. Peacock, Miss Scarlet, Mrs. White. I have a harder time mapping the female characters to modern times, but that is due to shifting attitudes from the time the game was conceived until now. So maybe we should go off the board a bit, and select as diverse a group as we can.

Britney Spears, Tonya Harding, and Barbara Bush.

OK, that should do. Now for the weapons.

I was going to change all of them, but given that we have Tonya up there, the lead pipe is going to have to stay. That leaves five remaining.

The revolver is now a semiautomatic 9mm, but can basically remain.

Knife, candlestick, wrench? A little primitive in such modern times, no? We like to do our victims in a little cleaner these days. How about a mail bomb for starters...hmmm I'll hafta work Ted Kaczynski into this now...oh well....anyway...

Laser gun! Yeah, cool...come on there's gonna be one sooner or later...might as well throw it in there now. Then we can leave the last one to some biological or chemical agent. Well, chemical to prevent it from spreading too far. Sarin gas will do.

OK, this is getting good.

Finally, the rooms. How many houses have a conservatory anymore? Even the immense mansions are lacking them. Lets rip through this:

Hall - Solarium
Lounge - Living Room
Dining Room - Breakfast Nook
Kitchen - Kitchen (yeah we'll keep that)
Ball Room - Recording Studio
Conservatory - Gym
Billiard Room - Home Theater
Library - Digital Multimedia Center
Study - Home Office

Now, the last thing to tackle is the victim. I think that Mr. Boddy's served his time as the perpetual dead guy. We need someone else here...I have a couple of ideas.

I was thinking Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman at first...you know...make the sales a benefit. But how many times can you say it was OJ on the porch with the knife before you realize it never changes?

Then I was thinking of other victims...and there are so many that I get overwhelmed trying to choose one over the other. Cutting it to barest essentials, I used famous and unsolved as the criteria.

Jimmy Hoffa. Perfect.

So to hell with Mr. Green in the Ball Room with the Rope.

Bill Gates with the Sarin Gas in the Solarium. Yeah!

Now THAT'S a game.
:::::posted by erratic :: 11-something PM EST linky

Tuesday, January 30, 2001

But then again, I'm equally convinced the hype won't stop anytime soon either.
:::::posted by erratic :: 11-something PM EST linky

Monday, January 29, 2001

I walk back down to the kitchen and make an inch thick FlufferNutter on Wonderbread instead.

Sometimes the best remedies are the oldest.

I feel better now.
:::::posted by erratic :: 07-something PM EST linky

Does anyone else find a problem with Alan Greenspan talking up tax cuts to Congress last week? Yes, this is going to be about economics and no, that isn't a terribly interesting subject to cover; I mean, look at the guy in charge...

But it is going to affect everyone at some point. Whether or not you live in the U.S.

Say what you want about the most powerful man in the world. It isn't the president of the U.S. It isn't even someone who is elected. The Fed chairman, now, that's REAL power. He has the balls of the stock market in one hand, and the balls of the banking system on the other. Depending on what sort of mood he is in, he decides how hard to squeeze.

He's been squeezing pretty hard lately.

Nearly all of last year he has been busily pissing on the fire called the surging U.S. economy...because, through a complicated set of inexact formulas, good news is actually worse than bad news when it comes to performance on a macro level. In fact, anything other than slightly OK is pretty much intolerable.

So he has squeezed.

That makes people nervous and loans expensive and the stock market queasy; suddenly things start going south. Then Al smiles. He's a sick, sadistic bastard if you ask me.

Lately it has become apparent that he's squeezed a little too hard, and while he has been letting up on the rates again, slightly, he decided *now* that tax cuts are a good idea.

See, six months ago they were a terrible idea. It would dump too much money into an economy he was trying to slow down. The only reason it's a good idea now is because the economy was slowed down too much. So while the Fed is happily whizzing on the smoldering ashes of the economy, our man Al suggests that the a good fix is to simultaneously apply a little kerosene.

I think someone is trying to keep his job.

Suggesting that a president should go along and do what he was already going to do anyway might be good politics, but it's not very effective PR for your own ability.

The Fed chairman is an appointed position. That means that a president picks the person that will man the levers and dials of our financial machine and rule our lives...arguably more so than the President or Congress does. Perhaps, given the current state of intelligence in America, that is a good thing.

Given the state of intelligence in the White house, I'm not so sure.
:::::posted by erratic :: 03-something PM EST linky

Sunday, January 28, 2001

Therefore, once again, it's time for the Week In Review for January 26th.

Served up fresh off the griddle, piping hot, don't forget the syrup for your Week In Review.

You won't even need gloves.
:::::posted by erratic :: 11-something AM EST linky

Saturday, January 27, 2001

If anyone happens to find the feeling in my extremities lying around anywhere, please let me know. I seem to have misplaced them at the moment.
:::::posted by erratic :: 05-something PM EST linky

Friday, January 26, 2001

Smart motherfucker         Dumb motherfucker

Anyone?
:::::posted by erratic :: 02-something PM EST linky

Thursday, January 25, 2001

Let's get those applications in early, now...
:::::posted by erratic :: 11-something PM EST linky

Wednesday, January 24, 2001

Anyway, the major problem so far is his promise to hit the ground running. It has resulted in an order to cut funds from providers of abortion education, so, well, he hit the ground running and tripped over my extended leg. Whether or not you believe in abortion (well, it does exist...it's not exactly the Easter Bunny...but whether or not you think it should exist), removing education from the process is not exactly the way to foster your point of view as anything superior.

I guess in my hope that the next president wouldn't touch anything major, I forgot to consider that those around him might. I don't know who really wants that cut in place (I have a few guesses), but it is clear that nature still abhors a vacuum.

Too bad we elected one.
:::::posted by erratic :: 07-something PM EST linky

OK this has been just about everywhere...but in fairness *I* saw it on forty-two first.

Drumroll please...

My true name is:

Erratic Prophet

That's right! I couldn't believe it either! I think there is something to this real name thing, no?

Just to check, I ran it again...and got Audible Hermit. Yep! Definitely something to this...
:::::posted by erratic :: 04-something PM EST linky

Tuesday, January 23, 2001

blushing madly

I'm not worthy....I'm not worthy...

:-)
:::::posted by erratic :: 09-something PM EST linky

I talked a bit about some of what has happened near the end of last year, and one of the after-effects of that will be these little personal thingies peppered in amongst the typical brilliance displayed here.

Right.

***

Imagine for a moment that I am not the easiest person to get along with.

I will pause here for a while as you try to stretch your mind that far.

I say it in my who page...that I am complicated and moody. It's too true, much to my own consternation at times. As much as I try to live my life by an internal code of logic and thoughtfulness, too often it goes out the window when my emotions kick in.

Then it's not so pretty.

Life for me is a lot like a piñata. I know there is candy in it, to be had and shared--all I have to do is break open the papier-mâché and let it fall out. Too often, however, when I feel depressed or frustrated or threatened, I put on the blindfold and swing wildly with all my might, and only after I feel the pole make contact with something do I open my eyes--usually to discover that I have bloodied someone close to me, and missed the prize completely. The closer they are the worse it seems to be.

I have to say I don't like this about myself.

The alleged result of the physiological neural structure differences between the sexes has to do with the connection of the left and right hemispheres of the brain, and the effectiveness of intercommunication between the two: women have an 8 lane highway and men have a soda straw. As a man, that supposedly makes it relatively easy for me to have a productive day at work while some personal tragedy burns around me, but I have to say also sucks when the flip side is a near total cessation of rational thought when entering a strong, unpleasant state of mood. Thinking and feeling cause a bottleneck, and both of my minds seem to run off in their own directions. They say that the right brain can't count to three, and that is what does a lot of my arguing and reasoning when I am upset. It sucks for me and most of those around me.

Recently I have scored a couple direct hits square on the noggins of those I most care about, and I am paying a rather heavy personal price for it. Running in with bandages and aspirin after the fact doesn't seem to help, either.

So if anyone sees me standing in the midst of an ever shrinking crowd, wildly swinging a pole while wearing a blindfold, please take a moment to try and remove it from my eyes. Even better, before you do that, remove the stick from my hands and beat me about the head with it a few times.

But if not, I'll start doing it myself.

It may not teach me a lesson, but it would serve me well to be reminded just how much it can hurt. It might serve others well to see that it does happen to me, too. As for thinking more clearly? Well, I can only hope that some wisdom is instilled through the blows.
:::::posted by erratic :: 10-something AM EST linky

Monday, January 22, 2001

Fiona's back.
:::::posted by erratic :: 04-something PM EST linky

I look around at all the world.
These "disorders" to science are formal...
I can't begin to figure out...
it that's what's wrong, then just *what* is normal?
:::::posted by erratic :: 10-something AM EST linky

Saturday, January 20, 2001

This space intentionally left blank








heh...I love that
:::::posted by erratic :: 05-something PM EST linky

Friday, January 19, 2001

Sometimes the world is pretty dull....even for a whole week. I had never noticed just *how* dull some weeks can be until I began to compile the Week in Review a few months ago.

I am happy to report this was not such a week.

So brimming with the stupidity that is the news, once again, it's the Week In Review for January 19th.
:::::posted by erratic :: 07-something PM EST linky

Thursday, January 18, 2001

Did you hear? The battle for eliminating gun violence is working!

"American children and teens are just as violent as ever, but they are using guns less frequently and thus the violence is less lethal..."

So while mom and dad are out picketing the capitol for tougher gun laws, their children, home alone, are getting the crap kicked out of them by the pissed off bully up the street who used to enjoy shooting clay pigeons...when it was legal.

I hope that gun control advocates are happy... given the restricted access to firearms, kids are now relegated to blunt objects or fists to beat the snot out of one another.

See, one of the problems with blaming human behavior on the inanimate objects with which they are surrounded is that it presumes that the object is evoking a behavior that was not originally there. In other words, cars cause accidents, bombs start wars, guns kill people, and condoms cause sex.

Some people have been so busy trying to take the 'gun' out of 'gun violence', no one stopped to notice that even if they were totally successful, 'violence' still remains.

So if it's not the gun, what else could it be...no...wait...it's not the person holding it...that's too obvious...it must be something else.

"Media Not The Major Culprit"

See? It's there in the same article...not this time. The typical patsy of music/movies/games is looking less and less like the culprit.

If we're not careful we might have to start holding people responsible for their actions again.

Or maybe put the signs down and go home and figure out what the hell the kids are up to?
:::::posted by erratic :: 10-something PM EST linky

Wednesday, January 17, 2001

"This investigation should not be taken as a sign by anyone that this is a terrorist action."

What ever happend to the good old fashioned "that guy was a fucking nutcase?"

I mean...there is crazy and there is crazy, and that a would-be terrorist drives a truck--"loaded with evaporated milk"--into the California capitol in the same week that Tim McVeigh receives his execution date does beg a few contrasts.

Unless there are hitherto unknown incendiary properties of evaporated milk, in which case I will recant the following completely, it is more believable that either this guy didn't think all that far in advance about his little deed, or that he was a stark raving lunatic. Either way, it isn't quite what I personally ascribe the title of "terrorist" to...even in supposition.

Otherwise, I am pretty sure that Mr. McVeigh would have dropped a crate of Borden's "Elsie the Cow extract" on the steps of that federal building, with a fuse sticking out of the top...since it is so much simpler to handle than high nitrate fertilizer and diesel fuel.

So while Tim McVeigh will go down in history with the sick, evil, terrorist monicker that he surely deserves, somehow I don't think the crazy Californian milkman deserves quite the same treatment.

See, at least in my book, to be truly regarded as a terrorist you must have some glimmer of an ability to live amongst "normal" people while having a total disregard for them. That you can be the wolf in sheeps clothing and blend in enough to accomplish whatever you set out to do.

Somehow a drive-by milking doesn't qualify.

Unless, as I said, it is more volatile than I thought.

The milk, that is.
:::::posted by erratic :: 10-something AM EST linky

Tuesday, January 16, 2001

When I read something like this, it all comes back to me. Just when I was about to get bitter about having the wrong talents or choosing the wrong career...it's nice to be reminded that these people survive more on luck than anything else. Given that my luck is severely impared in the financial arena, I once again feel secure that I am in the proper field for me.

I mean, COME ON...a *toy* picked a better stock than eight financial professionals? A toy! Take out the paper and throw darts, people...it's still the best way to go.

But if you think it was a fluke, the sponsors of the contest have decided to up the ante. This year...they are retiring the now fabulously wealthy toy, and initiating a Sumatran orangutan. An ORANGUTAN! Think about it; stock pros are *very* proud. What was that conversation like?

"Sorry, nice try though. Well, we have another contest next year."

"Oh, what is the opponent this time?"

"A monkey..."

*glare*

I hope to *god* they get the same 8 pro's to take another go at it. I'd love to see them get taken down by a primate one year after being embarrassed by a piece of plastic.

It's not the ego of those people that I miss, it's the sound of the ego crashing...it has a pleasant, glass-like, tinkling sound. It really is something to be experienced--if at all possible.

Some of those people are good...really good...and will ultimately have stellar success. Most of them, however, are insanely lucky at best, and better thank the fates for their good fortune, wait for the check to clear, and get the hell out of Dodge.

I won't be hanging around the bunny-testers forever, and when I return, you can be sure I will be looking for my fill of that sound again.

I'll be hanging out with the orangutan. I know a winner when I see one.
:::::posted by erratic :: 11-something PM EST linky

C'mon, now...don't get your panties in a bunch
:::::posted by erratic :: 12-something AM EST linky

Monday, January 15, 2001

Today is Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday. I was all set to sit down and write something funny and poignant and meaningful about civil rights and the mindset of Sneetches who have "stars upon thars".

It was going to be brilliant.

However, sometimes you can't compete with the logic of a five year old. In fact, if you try to explain most of the world to a five year old, you might find out the frightening truth: much of it makes no sense at all.

So while Alwin tries to explain to his little girl exactly why today is a holiday, I can't quite figure it out either...

Not really something to get too worked up over, eh?

Hopefully the consternation of a child is more contagious than the ignorance of the adults. I know that history is way against me there, but sometimes I need to believe that something is important enough for people to learn despite their best efforts.

Don't make me get out my Star-Off Machine...
:::::posted by erratic :: 07-something PM EST linky

Sunday, January 14, 2001

Today, I saw several iterations of the latest citibank campaign--new as far as I can tell--portraying the rather cliché montage of "life moments" in slow motion trying to equate effective financial services with the black and white smiling child sequence, the slow motion loving couple running in the rain, the graduation ceremony, etc., etc., etc. A lot of financial institutions use this approach to try and sell something that most people either don't need, or don't think they do. Hey, whatever it takes.

Then they run their tagline: "Because some things are more important than money"

Excuse me?

While I wholeheartedly agree that MANY things are more important than money, why in the HELL would I want my BANK to think that? Isn't that why we use banks anyway? Some things are more important than money, so put all our money with a company to which NOTHING is more important. That's what a bank is...that's what a bank is about. Money and how to get more of it from you. The only reason investment services and interest and returns are offered to customers is to try and ultimately get more money for THEMSELVES....you're interest is only a by-product of that.

If citibank *truly* believes some things are more important than money ask them why they charge you $30 every time you bounce a check. The logic behind "taking more of what they already know you don't have enough of in the first place" can only be effectively justified by the understanding that corporate profits are more important than the misfortune of an individual customer.

Otherwise, whenever you bounced a check, you would receive a sympathy card...not a bill.

If you have a loan with citibank, call them up with a sob story about why the next payment will be late...feel free to quote to them, "but some things are more important than money..." If you are answered with anything other than "not to us, they aren't", I'd love to hear about it.

So don't pull this crap with me...just because I watch football doesn't mean I am so easily duped into thinking that one of the largest financial conglomerates in the world suddenly gives a rat's ass about anything but making more cash...that's how you got so large and that's why people use you.

Perhaps the perceived demographic has not evolved so much after all. I sure as hell hope the actual demographic has. Or, at least, that I still don't actually belong watching the sport every week.
:::::posted by erratic :: 08-something PM EST linky

Saturday, January 13, 2001

Once again...it's the Week In Review for January 12th.

Topicality, covered with whipped cream and nuts, don't miss a single episode:

The Week In Review

:::::posted by erratic :: 07-something PM EST linky

Friday, January 12, 2001

Nope... green glowing monkeys.

How lovely.
:::::posted by erratic :: 08-something PM EST linky

Thursday, January 11, 2001

I hate to say it, but (boobs) lately I have been taking an interest in (free sex) my stats. I mention it only because (lesbian massage) when I first began this, I told myself that (naked celebrities) I didn't care if anyone came (micorsoft) here...and meant it, insofar as I (wet t-shirt) could have at the time, because it was (naked amber eden) more about a place to dump the (threesome) contents of my head than any measure (get rich quick) of popularity from (cleavage) others.

But something happened...I had a few (britney spears) posts that were linked here and (illegal warez) there and my daily visitor (S&M) count increased. Occasionally, when (drugs) I was already sure that I had reached (mp3's) the level of readers (yahooo) that I would ever (unlimited downloads) get to, someone would link another post and then I would see my traffic spike again.

I registered with a (long legs) couple of search engines, and saw (lonely blonde nymphos) the occasional referral from them as well. Some were (beastiality) interesting, some were obscure, most were odd. However, there (beer beer beer) were enough to satisfy my sudden, uncomfortable craving for the hits.

Over time my linking from other sites (fast easy money) improved, but the search engine hits subsided. I didn't think (free porn) too much of it at first, but now I realize that (playstation 2) I rather miss those.

I need to figure out something to fix that.
:::::posted by erratic :: 02-something PM EST linky

Wednesday, January 10, 2001

When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging - U.S. Grant

:::::posted by erratic :: 03-something PM EST linky

Hmmmm....what could it be?

I feel so...so...independent.

I think everything even still works...although if you find something either send me an email or tie a note to a brick and heave it through my window.
:::::posted by erratic :: 10-something AM EST linky

Tuesday, January 9, 2001

I've spent a fair amount of time this weekend hammering on greymatter trying to tease it into shape to run this site (or vice versa depending on your point of view) since the great oscillations of Blogger performance are most certainly going to become more extreme as the glut of users expands to take up the available capacity on the new servers.

It's been like that in the world for a long time...demand growing slightly faster than supply. If something as basic as the food supply behaves that way, why Pyra or anyone else might think that mundane computing power would be an exception is a bit of a mystery to me.

In short, I am tired of wondering how the thing will behave from day to day.

The only glitch remaining is the archives...and how to handle nearly nine months of abject brilliance in a manner that best serves humankind, since thousands of years from now these archives will doubtless be etched into a solid gold plate and hurled into the far reaches of the cosmos for other civilizations to marvel at.

Or, at least, maybe someone might read one or two of them between now and then.

Actually the *real* glitch is that I am something of a perfectionist when it comes to these things, and before I am flooded with mails about that, I want to clear up that spelling doesn't apply, just because. Anyway the archives are currently in a weekly format, mostly because I never saw this through to the year 2001 (in my head anyway) nor did I foresee any form of reader base who might care enough about past item links suddenly breaking (well, I still don't, but humor my delusions anyway). I need to change them to monthly.

So I am currently working with a team of crack physicists, mathematical experts, and a cranky tabby cat to try and find a neato cool method of handling an automatic conversion (on the fly, of course) from weekly archives to monthly archives without breaking the old item links.

But once that hurdle has been cleared, or I get frustrated enough to say "fuck it" with conviction and try and clean up the archives later, I will be bidding Blogger a bittersweet farewell.

See, rather than being the leech that I am for ungraciously using this professed free service and complaining when Pyra ran out of spare CPU cycles that a freeloading oaf like myself was once greedily sucking up with such silly processes as Post, Publish and Search, I think the most beneficial contribution to the server cause is not some abstract monetary donation to the "Pyra Organ Donation Fund", but rather, something concrete and measurable, like vacating a legitimate "slot" that another user could fill immediately. Like a child.

I am making room for America's children. I am creating the opportunity for a child to blog.

After all, isn't it about the children?
:::::posted by erratic :: 03-something PM EST linky

Monday, January 8, 2001